Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
