I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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