I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
