it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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