We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
