you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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