i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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