I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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