i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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