Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
