This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
