I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize