I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wish my penis had a tongue
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I deserve this hangover.
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