Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
