How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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