Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
