You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
