I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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