I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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