she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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