I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
