I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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