Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
