It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize