I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
