Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
