Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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