The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
