someone threw a dead crab at me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
