I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
