i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
