i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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