did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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