Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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