Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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