just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
