I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
