hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
