I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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