Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You are the jesus of drinking
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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