My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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