my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pooping to opera.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
