u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I love having hate sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
