Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
not ubering you a puppy
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
