her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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