you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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