WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
