Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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