we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
