I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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