A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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