i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
