You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
