Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
