I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Holy sore nipples Batman
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
