I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
This house was built for laser tag.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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