His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
