I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
