Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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