I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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