I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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